20 February 2014

Real Men

It has become fashionable for people to post opinions on what makes a "real man." This is a bit amusing, because the definition is quite simple. First, this individual is real, as in genuine, as in he actually exists. Second, he is of the male sex and has reached the age of maturity. That is it. A real man can be a good man or an evil man, he can be a gentleman or a cad, he can be kind or he can be cruel.

Therefore, a man does not cease to be a real man because he fails to live up to a thirty bullet point list posted by women on Facebook. Being a real man takes no skill or determination. It is simply a matter of biology and age.

Now, what do people actually mean when they talk about a "real man?" My literal definition is not what they have in mind, I think. Perhaps they mean a "desirable man" or a "strong man" or an "admirable man." Why do people not simply say what they mean?

I am, of course, over-thinking this, as I do everything. Therefore, just to play along and have a grand old time, may I present the following list of "real man" qualities:

  • Real men have long, flowing beards, because they are wild berserker warriors, untamed by civilization.
  • Real men shave regularly, because a real man masters his facial hair in the same way he masters his passions.
  • Real men never have hobbies that do not involve their wives and children; all leisure time must be devoted to the betterment of the home.
  • Real men have a variety of hobbies and interests; in addition to increasing their own enjoyment of life, this also makes them more intriguing to women.
  • Real men have experience with vast numbers of women and antibiotic prescriptions.
  • Real men are chaste before marriage and completely faithful within it.
  • Real men have nothing to do with the crutch of religion.
  • Real men love Jesus.
  • Real men can't be tied down by rules and regulations.
  • Real men join the military.
  • Real men like curves.
  • Real men like whatever the [expletive] they want.
  • Real men are not tied down by a wife and children.
  • Real men are good husbands and fathers.
  • Real men hate guns.
  • Real men have all the guns.
  • Real men lift.
  • Real men work hard enough in their everyday tasks that they don't need to lift.
  • Real men think sports are for children.
  • Real men play sports.
That's enough for now. Take care, everyone, and watch out for snakes.

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